What the heart wants the heart wants. There’s no denying that – at some point we’ve all experienced that yearning feeling, whether it’s for a person, a place or a thing. It’s so often impossible for the rational mind to actually understand what the heart wants too. Sometimes our whole life and circumstances are the complete opposite of what we want. This is easy to see when we look at, for example, the girls who want a partner who pays them attention, but always go for ‘bad boys’ and pine for someone who is the complete opposite of attentive, when there are perfectly sweet boys who are looking at them, asking for attention. It rarely ends well in that scenario does it? When the heart doesn’t want someone it’s never going to change its mind just because you begged, pleaded, cried or played some sort of tricks or games to try and get them. But we don’t stop doing it. We can’t, because we’re human. So what do you do when you’re the one that the other person’s heart simply doesn’t want?
For me, the answer to that question has been to become my own therapist. Write things down, get them out of my head and at the same time get out into the real world as much as possible. Mix with people, talk to others and get perspective on my life and my problems. It’s a fine line between being obsessed with the past and dealing with your emotions though, and I think I held back really paying attention to my problems for too long because I was worried I would be giving oxygen to a fire I wanted to just put out. But it was ultimately writing down, acknowledging, and allowing my feelings to really exist that I got through them. It took me from a very dark place to one where I can feel human again, and where I know I have a place in this world and someone to love who loves me.
When you’ve been completely floored by feelings of love and they aren’t returned, you can tend to retreat into your own little turtle shell and never, ever want to come out. Trusting anyone is not an option, how can it be when every feeling you had led to nothing? It took me a good 3 years to change that too – and to learn that I had to try again, with others, if I was going to get my life back. The process was painful, scary and embarrassing and a lot more besides. There was so much anger and self-doubt lurking inside me: Anger at them, anger at their perfect life, and anger at myself for failing at everything. Doubt about every thought I had or every move I wanted to make was also common – and very destructive. My sense of intuition, my gut instinct, my own guidance had let me down completely according to my rational mind – and so I believed nothing and did everything with fear in my heart and with my eyes half closed.
That was not a very nice way to live what was actually a great life, with lots of opportunities and chances to do great things I just wasn’t open to. To me it was easier to just shut off completely. I became one of those people who just wanted to get to the end of life, and couldn’t ‘enjoy the journey’ as the self-help books will tell you to do.
It was only when I decided that I’d had enough of this feeling, that someone else could control my emotions like that, that I took baby steps to change my life. And when the baby steps were happening, I started getting closer and closer to the life I want. I know that the turnaround I need is possible, and that it will happen exactly as it’s meant to, and when you know that, you can handle any little challenges that get in the way - because you realize they all just point you in the exact right direction and help you reach the point you are meant to get to. You recover more quickly, you have perspective on each failure and you know there is always another option to try.
For anyone going through their own nightmare, I know that sounds like cold comfort, but I can promise you that as soon as you make the decision to open yourself up to the possibilities for change that come out of lost love and tragedy, your transformation will begin. It will happen anyway without you doing anything, but there will probably be more pain, more heartbreak and disaster involved beforehand, and my challenge to you is to decide that you don’t need anymore of that – that you are ready to face the demons you need to deal with head on – because they’re really just here to teach you a lesson, and you can be a willing student. The great Sufi poet Rumi says it best – when he writes that you should invite your demons to come in for tea. It’s the first step to transformation. Get to know them instead of hiding, running away or trying to fight. When you take the time to understand them you will see they’re not really that bad. It’s the peaceful, productive and loving way to work through the process. I just watched Maleficent recently and the lesson is exactly the same in that movie. The one who unites two kingdoms is neither a villain nor a hero – she’s both, and sooner or later no matter how much we’re hurting we all realize that everyone has both good and bad in them, and we’re all just doing the best we can. That’s worth remembering when it’s you that someone else’s heart doesn’t want. It might be nothing to do with you at all – and it won’t help you get any answers, or any relief from pain saying that you’re ‘bad’ or ‘ugly’ or not good enough.
It’s always important to keep the faith and know that the universe IS on your side, that you are loved and you are lovable, and that every single thing that happens to us is there for a reason. Be brave, be kind and stay open to possibilities and they will happen for you.