A mother's love comes in many forms, and it has many faces.
I do not have children, and so I do not know what it is like to be a mother, however, I do know what it is to receive the love of a mother, and to be so blessed by that person.
When I was 38, my biological clock started ringing off the hook and I wanted a baby. I want to be a mother so badly that it hurt to the depth of my being. I was single, and I just did not seem to have dating luck to find the right guy (at the time). None of the men I had been in a relationship with wanted to be the father of my child. I cannot express how much that hurt deep down inside.
I felt defective and undesirable. I felt faulty and nothing more than a good time. I felt cheated of my 'right' to be a mother, and that time was slipping away.
I felt angry and resentful that I had been so attracted to men who would tell me that "if you want a baby, then we will have one," only to do everything in their power to out-wait my body. That was one thing that really hurt.
Emotionally, I bleed from my heart every time I saw a mother with her baby or a child. It got to a point where I couldn't stand to look at families, because the pain was too much to bare.
At the time when people found out what I was experiencing, they would try to console me by saying:
"Get your eggs frozen."
"Do it alone."
"You can still have a baby and be a great mum at 38; just look at so and so..."
I know that these comments were meant well, but I had no stomach for them. I felt trapped and bound to a life of child-less-ness. And I knew that I did not want to raise a child on my own either.
Inside myself, I was a mess. A big ugly mess.
Hormones raging, and then this one day, I had an emotional breakdown.
Something completely innocent and irrelevant happened at work, and I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I was broken to the core, and if there is a dark night of the soul - then this was where I found myself.
Sobbing - not a great look is it!
I had two things that I clung to during this dark and tumultuous period of my life, as I processed what I could and could not do. I had my mum and my dog.
They were what I lived for. I felt so fragile at that time, that I did not know if anyone would ever come into my life to love me for who I am and want to be a partner and a father to my child.
I felt powerless and spiralling out of control.
During this stage, I remember talking to my mum over the phone about how I felt. It took mum some time to understand why I felt so terrible, as she had had children in her early and late 20s.
I had to explain that when your body clock goes off, it rings with a thunderous tone that you cannot not respond to.
My beautiful mum did all she could to understand and be there for me. I could hear the love and compassion in her voice as she comforted me over the distance.
I remember sobbing while she whispered "oh darlin' I wish there was something I could do."
Mum's love, compassion and healing poured out and through the phone to me. She energetically wrapped me up in a hug that I so desperately needed.
My mum was right there with me, even from such a distance. I will never forget that or take her love for granted as I have in the past.
I may never have children, and now that this time has passed, I am more at peace with it than I was back then. However, this situation blessed me with a deeper loving relationship with my mum.
I feel so incredibly grateful for my mum.
It does not matter to me how far we are from each other,love knows no bounds and I love her with all my heart, mind, body and soul.
This amazing woman helped me to develop into the woman I am today. She nurtured me, gave me some tough love, and was there when the chips were down, and at the highest points of happiness for me.
Mum, I treasure you. You held me through my Dark Night of the Soul.
No words will ever truly express the depth of what you mean to me or how grateful I am for you.
I celebrate you this coming Mothers Day and every day.
Thank you for seeing me through the good, the bad and rather ugly parts of life.
I love you now and always. You are so incredibly special to me now and forever.