For some reason I honestly thought that I would never be a mum. No medical or genetic reasons. I just did not feel I was made to be a mum.
BUT, thank goodness, time proved me to be wrong. I am a mum - and an extremely proud one. But even when I got married and became pregnant the first time - and it was all confirmed, I still did not think that this could possibly be happening to MOI!
That I was about to become a mum in nine months. But become a mum I did - to two beautiful daughters. And as said, I couldn't be prouder.
I did also have a third pregnancy - between the girls. But I lost our beautiful little boy. In those days they took the baby from you - you didn't get to see it or anything.
When I asked, they did tell me it was a boy - but not until they questioned my request several times - asking if I REALLY wanted to know. I did - I also wanted to see him - wasn't sure about holding him though - but in those days, it just did not happen.
Sad but true. I also very nearly lost my own life during that time - but I am here to tell the tale, whether the world wants to hear it or not!
My next - 'hurdle' - was trying to keep myself busy. Now - this does make me wonder - about myself. When talking with my friends and other mums since - all I usually hear is about how busy they are - being a wife, home-maker and looking after their babies/toddlers/children/whatever - all of which I was at the time, too.
None of us at that time worked outside the home - we were all SAHM. So I still wonder why I wasn't busy as well - what was I doing wrong - and since the feeling of being so busy was so 'normal' - why wasn't I? I felt sure it was me.
I think I did all the 'right' things - too late now anyway. OK, I couldn't breastfeed - not my fault but that actually meant extra things to be done. Still not busy. I had cloth nappies, so there was extra disinfecting, washing etc etc etc - nup, still not busy.
My youngest, actually had a serious life-threatening health issue during her first year of life and I was the only one to witness her 'fits' for the first few months.
Each time it seemed 'mother's instinct' would kick in automatically as I did exactly the right thing to keep her alive. However, when this problem was mentioned to others, it was decided that, since no-one else had witnessed these 'fits', I needed psychiatric assistance.
No-one believed me until the day I had to call an ambulance and both my girls and I were whisked off to emergency. The next day I visited her and was absolutely gobsmacked when told that she had all-but died the night before - that the hospital had actually been placed on 'red alert' - whatever that means but I figured it's not good.
Finally my parents-in-law and husband witnessed a 'fit' - the first instinct for my mother-in-law was to put her finger down her throat - I knew that was wrong and actually pushed her away. That did not go down well.
Don't worry about the fact that I had, once again, saved my daughter's life. I did apologise - not sure why though. She finally grew out of it once she turned one.
Neither of my girls wanted to sleep through either. Not a hope in heck. My eldest did - eventually - once the younger came along and took over. Then came school - I was involved in every way, right through to secondary school - pulled back a bit then.
But still not busy. I even tried a few direct marketing jobs - all fizzled out pretty quickly - like after a day. And this was the time I turned back to writing.
And finally - FINALLY - became busy.
Now my eldest is in her late twenties and a successful architect and newly and very happily engaged to the most wonderful man, a fellow architect.
My younger girl is now also blooming. In her mid-twenties she lives at home part time and at her boyfriend's mother's house the rest of the time. She is about to graduate from her Creative Writing course, has had a book published and is a journalist.
Not sure that I'll ever be a grandmother - not to humans anyway.
But I do love my three grand-dogs, two grand-parrots, sixteen grand-budgies, six grand-finches and twenty grand-goldfish to bits!