It's been a really long time since I wrote something on here. Truth be told, I haven't been in the best of head-spaces myself.
I have been feeling down, blue, exhausted. My amount of self-loathing sky rocketed to a new high. I didn't feel as if I could write anything positive at all, so I stayed away. For months, I have stayed away, and it is only now, that I feel as if I am worthy to be published on here.
The reason for this, you may ask, if because I finally cracked. I broke. And for the first time in seven years, I broke in front of someone. I had tears that wouldn't stop, my body shook, I pulled at my hair, and I was hysterical. I have not broken like that in a very, very long time.
The only reason I did, was because I was trying to break up with my partner - you see, he may be the most fantastic thing to ever happen to me, but I was...am...absolutely petrified of commitment, of where this will lead me. As we approach the One Year Mark in just a few days time, I wanted to run, run very far away, and attempt to justify it to myself by picking at each and every single one of his flaws and blowing them out of proportion. Stupid, I know, but I never said I had all the answers.
Strangely enough, as I am trying to say goodbye to my partner for the last time, something in me snaps, and I hate myself more than I possibly thought I could. And he...he has all the answers. He sits with me, and talks me down, talks me out of jumping into my hole of darkness. He just keeps me talking, trying to get me to see that he has always been here, that he will always be here, with his arms, shoulders and torso in the hole, ready to pull me out - all I have to do, is hold on, and he'll help me through.
Nothing can be fixed overnight, or in a matter of hours, but it only takes one person to show you that you mean everything to them, that you are beyond loved, and you are cared for.
So here I am, three days off hitting a year with the one guy, with an excellent job as an Assistant Manager for a Storage Facility, a cute little car, a great set of close friends, and some savings in the bank. This time a year ago, I had nothing. And now...now I have stability, and I have plans.
The purpose behind this article, is to show you that no matter how far gone you think you are, there is always someone there, there is always a light, there is always something to look forward to - it doesn't have to be a big thing, and it may not be the person you thought it was. But something is always there to hold onto. That's what keeps you coming back, that's what helps you smile for a moment each day. The world is a tough place to be, definitely, but it is not an impossible place to be. Don't let anyone tell you to "suck it up" - those people aren't worth your time - don't 'suck it up', but do put on your Big Kid Shoes and take the next step, even if the ground isn't particularly solid. Just keeping moving, keep moving forward.
You'll get there, I promise.
I just want to say, publicly, a very big thank you to my wonderful partner, because I swear I don't tell him enough just how grateful I am to be his.