Mum thinks I am still going to uni...what do you do when someone won't accept a valid truth
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I donít think a lie is ever easy to tell. It produces a feeling of discomfort and edginess. At least, thatís how it makes me feel.
However, I canít help it that I have come to the conclusion that sometimes, just sometimes, a little white lie is not only permissible, but necessary. When the repercussions of telling the truth are just a little too heavy.
However, carrying that white lie also produces a feeling of discomfort Ė of being found out, of being seen to be a dishonest person. When the only reason you told the white lie is because you felt you had no other option. When you tried to tell the truth, when you tried to explain your point of view, sometimes more than once, and there was no bridge of understanding between you and the person or people who are the object of your lie.
When the person would be hurt by the truth, but you would be hurt by not being true to yourself.
The lie I am telling at the moment is to two people Ė neither of who have shown they are going to be understanding. I have tried to explain to both my neighbour and my mother, both of who fortunately do not use the internet and have little likelihood of reading this -that going to university was too much for me.
I suffer from extremely bad depression, and university is a trigger for that. A trigger for a very serious repercussion indeed Ė suicidal thoughts.
Since I have decided to engage in doing what I love, and hopefully either make money from it, and/or engage in meaningful volunteer work, I feel like a burden has left me.
I have explained this to both mum and my neighbour, neither who will understand, not now, not ever. So, I have told mum I am going. My neighbour is under the impression I am going. I will have to fake doing an odd assignment, a quiz, a final exam, and worst of all, a grade.
I hate, absolutely abhor being this way, doing this, telling people things that are not true. I only reserve it when I feel there is no other way. If your mother insists and insists and doesn't stop..that I do go. What I do see happening, is potentially more unnecessary hospitalisations.
The disappointment she would feel if I fail, and I am fully prepared to accept this consequence, but my mental health is more important than that as is not engaging in harmful coping mechanisms like drinking alcohol would be profound.
So, I hope she never finds out, because that would hurt her more, I think I will tell her I passed, and then maybe have time to convince her I need to defer. I think itís the idea of having a fail on my academic record worries her the most. I have 2 other degrees, and I know later I can get a job from what I love.
Itís still early days, but since Iíve been not attending, and writing, and giving, instead of being self-absorbed in my study, have been the most peaceful, contented and have given me the most mental stability I have experienced in a long time.
So, I have to live with a little white lieÖ.but Iím doing this to avoid sinking into a despair that I fear I may not recover from.
Life is hard enough with depression without feeling further a failure because you march to a beat of a different drum...and don't feel you have to be rich, but just have a roof over your head, enough to eat and pay the bills...A little understanding, and I wouldn't need to lie...
Jussie, I admire your decision to do what is best for you. I am sorry your mother and neighbour are unable to understand. Uni can be difficult at the best of times, let alone when you are suffering from depression and/or anxiety. I know because I too have been there. Hold your head high and do what you need to do in order to live a full and happy life.