Age is strange. As you get older you seem to respect those younger than you for being less jaded and more zestful. Whilst everyone goes down a different path, I have felt as if the older I become, the less older I become. More specifically speaking, I have grown to stop taking things so seriously as I did when I was three years old and demanded to be seated on the grown-ups table. To not be taken seriously by my parents when I was under the age of ten felt utterly humiliating.
Presently, I find it hard to even grapple with how anyone takes me seriously. How could more experience equal more self-doubt? Whilst responsibility heightens with age, so does the need to let go of trivialities held onto in earlier periods of life. This seems counter-intuitive because it appears that the more serious your life is, the less seriously you should take it in order to reach optimal mentality.
At times, there is this sense I get of immense remorse at not respecting the wishes of my younger self. It's as if the qualities that most strongly defined us when we were young disintegrate into thin air. This being in order to pave the way for the more 'realistic' and 'rational' humans we flourish to become. In contrasting moments I realise how stupid I most certainly was. I thought that growing up meant knowing everything there ever was to know; my merit and credibility would automatically demand respect and admiration. Most importantly it would mean to finally 'be taken seriously' by others. I had a notion that I would wake up one morning and suddenly have manifested into exactly the good person I was destined to be.
Presently, amidst the feelings of wishing my younger self would forgive me for not achieving such goals, I have to laugh at the ignorance of such aforementioned desires. Despite this, the laughing is paired with an utmost respect to the person I once was. I was determined, ambitious and didn't take no for an answer. My ego relied on no one else, and that should be what carries on into my present and later versions.
As my Dad once told me, the big epiphany in life is that there is no big epiphany. We are all just big kids. We can't make sense of everything which serves to fuel our feelings of inadequacy. As being experienced does not always equal expertise, we may feel dissatisfaction at not being to understand it all. This isn't in reference to our career paths but more our ideas about living. Whilst it is terrifying it wave our disillusionment adieu as it rides off into the sunset, I assert that we must continuously prosper that unquenchable thirst striving for the answers that are unanswerable.